


becoming a memory

by octoberwithoutyou



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, M/M, memory problems
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-27
Updated: 2017-01-27
Packaged: 2018-09-20 04:06:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9475031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/octoberwithoutyou/pseuds/octoberwithoutyou
Summary: Bodhi has memory problems.Cassian helps him manage them.





	

Cassian woke up to an empty bed. A few months before, he wouldn’t think much of it, and even in that moment, half asleep as he was, it took him a moment to realise what was wrong. 

“Bodhi?” He asked quietly, sitting on the bed. A month or so since they got together, they slept in the same bed, comforted by each other’s company. Maybe it’s one of those nights, he thought. The nights were he found Bodhi laying in another bunk, not sleeping, his expression barely visible thanks to the lumen globes outside.

(“I couldn’t sleep.” Bodhi would say to him the morning after, dark circles under his eyes and a tired smile on his face. He was tense. Cassian had soon learned that meant ‘I don’t want to talk about it’. “Didn’t want to wake you up.”)

But Bodhi wasn’t on the other bunks. Maybe he went to the refresher? Unusual, but it could happen. He rolled over and tried to fall asleep again.

He couldn’t.

With a worried sigh, he stood up and looked for his jacket without even turning on the light. Force of habit. He had hoped it was just the refresher, but he knew Bodhi wouldn’t take long. If it wasn’t the refresher, then…

He was out of the door in a second, fully awake now.

 

Bodhi had memory problems. 

He told the healers at the Medcenters, they had never happened before. He didn’t tell them about the Gor Bullet, or the fact that Saw Gerrera had tortured him with it. (“He did what he had to.” Bodhi told him later that day. “I don’t want to stain his reputation. Now that he’s…”).

Cassian didn’t believe he could think more highly of Bodhi, but he was proven wrong. He himself was not such a good person, so he told the healers about the creature.

“There’s nothing we can do.” One nurse told Cassian. “We haven’t received enough reports of that sort of attacks to form a cure. It could disappear on a couple days, maybe never. All we can do is help him manage it.”

Bodhi looked terrified at the news. “But it’s fine.” He said, twisting his fingers nervously but making an effort to be calm. “I-It’s not that bad. It usually goes away after a moment. All you have to do is remind me of what I forget.” 

In that moment, they were something less than friends, but Cassian knew that Bodhi, like himself, had to deal with things on his own the best he could. “Don’t worry,” he said, wondering if he could place a comforting hand on his shoulder but deciding not to. “We’ll help you.”

(That was two weeks before K-2SO found out about Cassian’s crush. “I should have known earlier.” He said, looking disappointed in himself. “Your heart rate speeding up was enough clue.”

After almost a month of the best, most awkward job of matchmaker a droid has ever done, Cassian and Bodhi got together.)

 

Cassian didn’t have to do much to convince people to help Bodhi. Jyn, Chirrut and Baze were already on board. The last two had grown particularly protective of Bodhi, much to everyone’s surprise. Bodhi was shy about the whole thing and Cassian was just grateful they were watching over him, too.

(Funnily enough, most of the times it was Cassian who found Bodhi when the other had forgotten about something. 

“Something wrong, Bodhi?”

“No, I… This is embarrassing. Do you- I don’t remember where the refreshers are?”

Or,

“I’m sorry. I know I’ve seen you somewhere, but I...”

“It’s fine. I’m Cassian. I’m, well…”

“You're my friend. You’re my friend, right?”

“...I am.”)

 

Everything was silent in the base. The lights were dimmed and there was a slight mist that made everything feel like a dream. Cassian would usually wake up at that time to jog, but now he couldn’t force himself too much now. If he did, Kaytoo had threatened to tell the nurse so she could lock him inside the medbay until he fully recovered.

He should have brought a jacket for Bodhi, he thought as he made his way to the hangar. He could see his breath come out in puffs of air. He had made sure everyone had received proper winter attire, but Jyn would never wear a jacket, and Chirrut would wear as little clothes as possible when he was out meditating, and-

“Excuse me?”

Cassian blinked, finding himself in the hangar. He hadn’t seen he’d arrived to the hangar, or that the man next to him was… 

“I’m looking for my s-ship. I don’t know why I’m here, but this is very important!”

“Bodhi?” He was an odd, heartbreaking picture, with his pyjamas and tangled hair, and with his wide eyes opened in panic as he took in his surroundings, clearly frustrated for not knowing where he was. At the mention of his name, Bodhi frowned, eyes set on Cassian, concentrating hard. He’s trying to remember me, Cassian thought.

“Bodhi Rook!” He exclaimed, pointing at himself. “I’m a pilot. I really need my ship.”

“Bodhi, it’s fine.”

“No, it isn’t! You don’t understand, this is important! I have something to do, Galen Erso sent me!” His hands were gesturing wildly as he tried to explain himself.

“Bodhi, look around.” Bodhi looked at him as if Cassian had lost his mind, but he just repeated himself, pouring as much certainty and patience in his words as possible. With a raised eyebrow, Bodhi looked around. 

“We’re wasting time here!”

“Tell me what you see.” 

“I- Fine. I see ships, this is a hangar.”

Cassian nodded. “Are any of these ships from the Empire?”

“I don’t...this isn’t…” Bodhi stuttered. “Your jacket. This is the Alliance.”

“You are in an Alliance base, Bodhi. And it’s really cold, so if you could take my jacket-”

“You need to take me to your commander!” Bodhi grabbed Cassian’s arm, already dragging him out of the hangar. “Galen Erso sent me, I have-”

“The Death Star plans?” 

Bodhi stopped, eyes widening. “How did you…?”

“You delivered the plans, Bodhi. You did so much more than that, and now the Alliance is closer to destroy the Death Star. Thanks to you.”

“To me?” Bodhi asked, incredulous. “I don’t understand.”

To Cassian, this was the part that hurt the most. The look on Bodhi’s face when, having forgotten Scariff and Jedha and Erso’s message, he’s told what he did, how he had contributed to the Alliance. The fact that Leia Organa herself had congratulate each one of the Rogue One survivors. He always reacted the same way, as if it was a joke. As if the mere thought was inconceivable. 

Cassian didn’t believe in heroes, but Bodhi was the closest thing to one. Him and the others that were with him in Scarif. Everytime Baze and Chirrut went out of the base for a walk, hand in hand, Cassian was reminded of their ability, the way they complemented each other in battle even at their age. When Jyn smiled, something that didn’t happen often, Cassian remembered her calmness when they thought they were going to die, her embrace as they awaited death, having done the impossible to accomplish their mission.

When he kissed Bodhi, Cassian couldn’t believe how someone so good had to be live in the middle of the war. He couldn’t believe how someone so kind could also feel a desperation so strong, a rage so overwhelming, and a sadness so vast and not break, but instead, rise up. It was something that only happened in old tales. But seeing Bodhi, it fit. And it was sad to see that to Bodhi, it didn’t fit at all.

“It’s okay.” Cassian told Bodhi, taking off his jacket and offering it to the other. “I’ll tell you what happened.”

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this in one day, very stressed. sorry for any mistakes. tumblr: cahssian!


End file.
